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Tuesday, November 27, 2001

The "Hell Week"

It's obvious isn't it? I give this title to a school week, regardless of what events take place, if it meets the following: 1) sleepless nights, 2) shitloads of homework, 3) harassment from teachers, 4) knock-outs in class (a.k.a. snooze in class), 5) tests to study for, 6) some big assignment coming really close to its deadline. This week certainly meets all the expectations. In fact, right now, I'm busying myself with some last minute APUSH key terms B.S. assignment due 2nd period tomorrow in class. I'll be up to probably 3 a.m. Aside from the history homework, I still have one last page of my English Edgar Allan Poe packet to work on, plus, Homework 4-2 for Chemistry, due tomorrow as well. And believe me, this chem assignment isn't going to be like taking candy from a baby... ::sighs:: it's related to some OLD stuff that I learned in Physical Science, but my memory doesn't span that far back, so I'm going to forget some of these things. Looks like I'll have to refer to my book for the answers.

For Tuesday of next week, I have to turn in my first draft of my column assignment for Journalism, the final draft worth 200 points whenever that's due. Yeah, it's time of the year when the Christmas special issue comes out for my school paper, so Journalism 1 students get to collaborate with the school paper staff to produce a mega issue packed with rants, features, news, tips, tricks, recipes, blah blah blah. I chose from a list of topics the column idea of "Do we have enough holiday spirit?" And now tomorrow, I'm going to have to talk with my editor about how I'm going to write the column. Yes, it does involve some research, but not the tedious kind. I plan on finding some children's books related to Christmas which portrays the ideal "spirit" of Christmas --- in other words, that lil' saying of "it's better to give than to receive." I think to most people, Christmas has suddenly become the time of year to worry about gifts. It's more of an annual chore than some jubilous celebration (x'cuse the spelling IF it's wrong... I can't think straight today).

Ah well, that's all I can say for now. I owe my sister a Japan Expo 2001 report for her college Japanese class since she paid for some of my... stuff. ^_^' I'll try to post it up sometime at K-Bug Anime for any of you who are interested about the two-day event at the L.A. Convention Center. It simply was wonderful... much different than AX, and definitely much smaller (they crammed the entire con into one exhibit room). Okay, that's all I'm going to reveal to you. Find out more when the documentary is up. Ja!

posted by Nelmaki Antix at 11:30 PM

Sunday, November 25, 2001

Waiting for an Expo

Something tells me that I should've started this last night. I should've. I'm torturing myself right now... on a god-frickin' Saturday night. What am I doing? A load of AP American History bullshit that my teacher decided to assign.... he even dared to say that this assignment "took very little time to do," I quote. Yeah right. It's like a mini-research project on 20 reformers/abolitionists/advocates of the 1800s, and I have to answer 6 baka questions for each one. Think it's easy? Don't even make me laugh. Though my teacher said to use certain pages from my AP handbook, the stupid document itself only mentions a few of the 20 listed names. The forced alternative? The damn internet. I hate doing internet research.... more than anything in the world. Have me write an essay, and I wouldn't be complaining as much right now. With sites like losing money and now enforcing a membership fee to view the "full" article of a subject, my chances of finding decent info on any of these people is becoming nil. I can't even access why do I keep getting "Cannot Find Server"?! It REALLY pisses me off.... I'm left with only the so-called excellent search engines and

So let's see, out of the many hours I worked on this assignment so far, I've only eliminated 7 fuckin' people out of the way. Yay. I'm making this HUGE effort to get almost all of it done tonight so that I won't be stressing again tomorrow, but why do I get the feeling that it'll happen anyway? It's currently 12 a.m. It's Sunday. Originally I was going to go to Japan Expo 2001 today, but my sister didn't want to drive in this sudden heavy rain, so we postponed to tomorrow/today. I'm sitting here working. I'm tired of working. Why does this school love work so much? I think I'm asking way too many questions. My mind is bulging with a million thoughts right now, and I'm doing my best to address all of them. At the same time, I just wanna sleep... I've had a rough day freezing my ass off from this cold weather in CA.

On the pleasant side, I stopped by at my local (and brand-spanking-new) Barnes and Noble bookstore to buy a good book to read. I picked up Susan J. Napier's Anime from Akira to Princess Mononoke, an interesting read. Napier is a professor over at the University of Texas, in Austin, where she teaches Japanese literature and culture to an audience of eccentric students. This is, I'll add, not her first book. Sound good? Go buy it --- costs $16.95. You might be a litte disappointed though: the book lacks some elements in it, and the films/shows it focuses most on are more of the modern classics than the golden oldies. Expect a lot of Hayao Miyazaki referrals (I personally don't mind since I grew up worshipping this dude). Overall, a good insight into anime, from an interesting perspective. Reading this book almost feels like I just put myself through my own personal Japanese course curriculum.... an intense study. Wow.

Meanwhile, I've got a partially-downloaded Everything But the Girl song playing on KaZaA entitled Lullaby of Clubland, a very nice track from the album Temperamental, one of their best. Is it electronic music? You bet it is. It's more of a moody, downtempo, house/disco sort of amalgam, but very much indeed addictive. Your ears will be begging for more, especially after you witness the vocals of singer Tracey Thorn. Go buy this album too if you got the cash to spare. Jeez, I feel like I'm in a commanding mood today... well, I guess that's what happens when you lose your mind over pointless school homework. Seriously, the majority of the work I do, I don't even really accumulate that much into my noggin' as knowledge. None of it is. I think this is just some big conspiracy to throw all kids and teenagers into forced labor, just so adults either feel better about the fact that they have a job, or because they feel that it's morally wrong if we don't get as much work. Which is the correct answer? No one knows --- not even myself. Blah.

posted by Nelmaki Antix at 12:16 AM

Thursday, November 22, 2001

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm up to the usual stuff, as always. Today was the day that I have been waiting for since last weekend! So now, I'm officially on a Thanksgiving holiday weekend, where I only have to attend school three times a week and get the rest of the week off up to Monday! Does that make me happy? Ooohhh yes, but of course, I had a feeling that I wouldn't get away so easily.... oh no, looks like my APUSH teacher decided to throw in a bunch of bullshit for all the students to do. I really wish that teachers would stop trying to cram homework into our lives. I mean, shouldn't we all have some time to not worry about homework or jobs? Especially since this is the holidays, people should understand that, but not my school. My school is hell, period.

::sighs:: Math and History are okay, but why did my history teacher have to load up my holiday weekend? I had so many things planned for already! Does this mean I have to rush through my work once again? Why can't I for once be left alone? Actually, why can't everyone be left alone??? ::sighs:: So anyway, I'm getting even more sick and tired of journalism... Recently, I had to interview someone from the school paper staff over the phone, then write a feature profile story on him. Of course, he got to read my first draft, and now I'm completely embarressed 'cause I have marks all over the damn thing!!! >.< I also talked to him yesterday to confirm about the notes he wrote in there. I have until Monday to get the final draft done, in which half of it he will score while the other is left to my journalism teacher.

Aside from that, I also have to worry about the upcoming Christmas special issue for the class. If I am assigned to write a story of any kind, I will absolutely die. Even though it's been nearly 3 months since the beginning of this class, I still cannot write journalism stories properly. If I get assigned to write a column (which I hope I do), then I'll be just fine... wait, actually I hope to do either columns or just work on the graphics of the paper. In fact, I signed myself up to help out with the front cover design. I have until Friday to turn in a sample to the teacher, and then the staff of the Accolade, the title of my school paper, will figure out who gets to help. I only hope that I make it... guess I have to start thinking real soon, oh yes....

Now that I've gotten most of my school complaints out of the way, I have one thing left to say: Japan Expo 2001. Yes, I get to drive up to the LA Convention Center to attend the largest Japanese-American convention in this country!!! Though not anime/manga-centered, Japan Expo is sure to be a pleasant experience since I get to witness everything Japanese there! Plus, there is a dealers' room, so I know there will be some anime merchants there (Anime Jungle and Digital Manga will be there, just to name a few). There will also be a food festival, so I get to sample some great Japanese cooking... I think I'll head over to the soba food venues if there are any. Hmmm... what else? Oh yeah, there will be an art showcase, a car model showcase, a digital showcase, an anime/manga showcase (yes!), and some concerts!!!! Whoo hoo!!!!!!! Hopefully I can get my spanking-new digital camera working then!!! I want photos!!!!!!! If I can't use my camera, then I'll just borrow my mom's, unless my sis brings hers.

Well, that's about it. I now bid you all farewell with a "Happy Thanksgiving" being uttered from my mouth right now... okay, it's done. Ja ne minna-san!!! I hope all of you enjoy your holiday weekend as well! I know I will, when I'm no thinking about work!!!! ^_^'

posted by Nelmaki Antix at 1:53 PM

Sunday, November 11, 2001

I'm Going to Hate Myself This Weekend

Posted Friday, November 9, 2001

Well well, turns out that I never went to sleep until 4 in the frickin' morning today!!! Can you imagine that I only got 2 hours of sleep?!?!? I don't know how I did though... I seriously don't. There were so many quizzes and tests today. I had a quiz in Journalism, which I knew I completely failed, then there was a math test which I thought was pretty easy, and then the Chemistry test, where I left some questions blank because it was so hard to balance the equations. All in all, a long, hard, and SLOW day. It amazes me how my brain can continue functioning even right now. I haven't taken a nap since I got home, and here I am wide-awake, or at least almost. ^_^ I get a three-day weekend this week due to Veteran's Day. Although this holiday is on Sunday, my school decided to make it Monday and give the students a break. To me, I interpret this only as another means of all the teachers giving the students extra homework to do. Why?!? I hate all of it!!!!!!! It's all I can ever think about these days, and the same goes for all the people I know. In fact, speaking of people at my school, I really don't think I fit in with anyone anymore.

Wednesday was a day called Lancer Jam --- a day where the school makes the most pathetic attempt at establishing a "unity" amongst the students. This includes student discussions and activities to get each individual to "know one another." As expected, there was a great lack of enthusiasm. The only thing worth all the boredom was the fact that they combined this event with International Food Day, a time when there will be booths with different cultural foods available at cheap prices for trying. It was soooo good... mmm... especially those French cream puffs. ^_^' Unfortunately, the majority of Wednesday was my day of grievances. Last year, while I was still in homeschool, I had often dreamt of what it would be like when I came to this new school. I had this confidence that showed I was going to dominate the school. My ignorance, of course, got the better of me there. Now I walk on campus each and every day feeling like a bucket of stinkin' shit.... a Chinese girl with glasses, too much hair in the back of her head that stops at the shoulders, who wears clothing that many would probably consider nerdy. I'm not a nerd though. It's just so weird... when I went to Otis, everything I did seemed normal to all those around me, and I think it was because they accepted me for who I was and respected it. Likewise, I returned the favor to them as well, and got along with just about everyone. But coming here changed my perspective entirely as I saw my visions come crashing down upon me, burying me in this cold and desolate darkness. That depression which seemed to magically vanish for 30 days came raging back, piercing my happiness and confidence, and then bringing everything I had ever worked for to a violent halt. And how should I feel??? Miserable? Isolated? Hated? I receive everything that is negative and absorb it, but never gaining anything positive in return. I do things generously for people, but no one ever shows me their gratitude. Am I really just a puppet for people to toy with? Do I even have a purpose for existing anymore? These questions were often presented to me.... at least once a day. I never knew the answer for any of them, but I knew that I could not win this war against myself and reality.

It's just so hard.... how should I explain this? The high school I go to is home to many of my childhood friends which I grew up with in elementary school. We had gotten along so well back then, but due to family problems, my parents split, my sister and I going with my mom, and my brother at the time already independent and living in Los Angeles. My mind lost all hope... I had thought of suicide.... and I was only 11 at the time. I had full-on believed that the divorce was caused by me.... of course it was, wasn't it?!? I mean, who the hell wants to take care of a short, immature, naive, video game otaku who pretty much annoys the crap out of anyone?!?!??!?!!??! I figured at the time that I had to take my mind off things and find a way to rehabilitate myself so that I was okay again. I couldn't deal with this situation, and I remember it bringing me the greatest sorrow I have ever felt. Never would I have imagined that my parents, seemingly happy, would just split. I lived the next five years in isolation. I was homeschooled, and never had any friends. I had constantly wondered what my old friends were up to, knowing that I missed them dearly. And then I dreamt of reappearing before them in order to surprise them, and perhaps finally prove to them that I was a much better person --- a girl without a temper, who learned to have a sense of humor, and one who was definitely as mature as they were to understand.... I was changed --- the polar opposite of my old self.

The fragile glass that was myself slowly started to crack upon the first day I arrived at this school. That glass was dramatically shattered even more as on Wednesday, I was nonexistent --- a blender in the background who could say very little and only be left alone to feel misery. That was me. I had spotted my old school chums, and even became daring as to ask if I could join them for lunch. Why was it that I got a hesitant "yes" reply? If they had such a problem with me in the first place, then they should just say it to my face.... I think I could take it. The most ironic of anything is the fact that no one ever asks me if I want to do anything with them..... I'll only be asked as a "last resort" if no one else can do things with them. So again, I'm just being used. I feel so stupid and crappy.... shitty, depressed, in the need for something to take me away from reality and let me stay in that place for eternity. I make every effort possible to salvage this long-term relationship. I have not seen any of my old friends for 5 years now.... ever since my parents' divorce. I was hoping that they would sympathize with me and help me get up-to-speed, but unfortunately, I became yesterday's trash. I don't mean a thing to them anymore except a puppet, and yet, my generosity --- that conscience which tells me to be kind to others --- can't refuse a request, as profound as it may have seemed. I never had the heart to say "no" to anyone because I only wanted to fit in all the time. What is the meaning of true friendship anyway?

For every action that I take, it's always me who ends up facing the consequences, whether the deed was good or bad. Even now with my newfound Korean friends, I still feel isolated. Being Chinese, I cannot understand a single word of Korean, so I'm left out of those conversations as well. Likewise, with my old friends, they'll speak in English, but forget that I'm even there. There's absolutely no way for me to get involved.

While walking a short distance with them since I was going to eat lunch with them, I saw where they were headed, and immediately grew uncomfortable. They were going to join with their friends, most of them facilitators for Lancer Jam. I stopped, but they never noticed. I only stood there in the middle of the open space in the gathering area staring at them..... at them symbolically declaring my nonexistence. At that moment, I felt a cold chill run down my spine. The breeze blew my hair in front of my face, and it was right there and then that I knew for sure I no longer belonged with them. Even with the current friends I hang out with, it still isn't a friendship where I'm truly happy. In the end, my title still reads off as "loner" just because my attire (mind you, I don't dress like a nerd... I wear regular baby-tees with jeans and those trendy sport shoes that everyone has these days... I guess I look awkward in my getup somehow), personality, and looks are different. It's that judging of character --- that impression one sees on the outside --- which determines who successes in this chaotic era known as high... I mean, hell school.

Wednesday left me with tears in my eyes as I sat quietly in my room letting them run down my face and staining the upper part of my shirt. Where am I now??? A loser, that's what. I only find content when I have someone who understands me, and that is only myself. No one understands me, and that's why I shall forever endure the rest of my life in loneliness and bitter hatred... the envy aimed towards those who are seemingly better off than I am. But stealing their lives from them wouldn't solve anything... I don't want to imitate being some popular little brat bitch who thinks she's all that. I just want to be myself, but I wish that I knew people just like me. It's so hard and overwhelming..... I have the desire to give up right now before I lose myself the painful way.........

posted by Nelmaki Antix at 2:35 PM

Friday, November 09, 2001

Time Shifts

Posted Thursday, November 8, 2001

It's been about 2 weeks since I last posted here. I'm actually surprised that I have been able to hold out this long without writing something crazy in my Blog. So much has been going on, and my mood has been constantly at random. Right now I'm high on caffeine and downright pissed over school. Tomorrow (or today) is a Friday. I get a three-day weekend due to Veteran's Day (although this holiday is really on Sunday, my school made it Monday), and incredibly relieved over it. I have been working my ass off day and night. In fact, just last week, I didn't go to sleep before 1 a.m. for three days in a row. I have absolutely no idea how I managed to survive, but somehow, I just did. Oh yeah, and I never mentioned Halloween. Halloween was a bunch of shit. My house, let alone the entire neighborhood, received no knocks nor "trick-or-treat" hollers echoing off the houses. It was total and complete silence --- not even a word muttered. It was truly a disappointment... I couldn't believe that the anthrax issue scared people THIS much. Anthrax hasn't even reached CA yet, but people are just panicking. Like the terrorist attack of Sept. 11, the sanity of the people went under influence. There was only one thing on their mind, and that was death. Death came and scared the crap out of them, tormenting so much that it even left impacting influence on these people --- something they will never forget. With the reappearance of anthrax, that same mind control caused them to lose awareness and all the knowledge that they ever learned in school. Car accidents are a perfect example: you're driving on the freeway with a bunch of other cars around you when suddenly, a bimbo cuts into your lane, nearly getting hit by your car (it was about 6 ft. away from you). You panic, and you don't know what to do. Human instinct kicks in, and your first reaction is to slam on the brakes. Bad mistake. The next moment, there are cops everywhere because there was a 10 car accident caused by your sudden braking and the moron's stupid maneuver. In situations like these, it's always good to know what to do. Unfortunately, the same cannot be applied to those affected by the terrorist attacks.

As much as I hate what's going on, I really wish that it would come to an end. I wish that the U.S. military would stop bombing Afghanistan, and I wish that the people living there would not hate us so much. I only wish for a resolution.... a kind of compromise that will establish peace between our two nations. Of course, that won't happen anytime soon. I'm sure the Afghanis are hating us even more for bombing their desert country. It's understandable that the military is aiming towards the destruction of Taliban, but at the same time, it also destroys a part of someone's home. I really don't know what to say. I could be inducted as a General and still not know how I'd solve the problem. To say in the least, it's impossible, plain and simple. Alright, but no more on that subject for now.

I've currently got more work to do. I don't expect to sleep tonight until possibly even 3 o' clock. I still have an English essay to fix up, then I have to read a Journalism packet, study for a Journalism quiz, study for a Chem test, study for a math test, and study for a Spanish quiz. I hate my life right now. I think the coffee wore off finally 'cause sleep is starting to kick in. By all means, I can't let it do that....

posted by Nelmaki Antix at 7:20 PM

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